March 5, 2015


In what may be my most riveting post yet, here’s my basic day job schedule while earning rent as a 9-to-5er.


6:45 AM – Wake up. Straighten hair. Take pill. Choose slacks.


7:45 AM – Get on the Blue line and start listening to How Did This Get Made, or any podcast in which Cameron Esposito has a guest spot.


8:30 AM – Arrive at work. Make oatmeal in a paper coffee cup.


8:45 AM – Grab a free OJ from the company fridge.


9:00 AM – Grab a free [decaf] coffee from the company Keurig.


10:00 AM – Oh God I’ve only been here for an hour and a half.


11:00 AM – Log off Facebook because my eyes are crossing.


11:30 AM – Coffee.


12:00 PM – Lunch. If the temperature is above 20, I walk down the street to remember what it feels like to move. If the temperature is below 20, I hunch over my Lean Cuisine in the company kitchen and watch Cheaters or something equally depressing. Sometimes I use this abundance of free time to call the bank, the bursar, my old landlord, my new landlord, or the two former employers who still have not sent me tax shit.


12:30 PM – Back at my desk. Maybe I’ll read?


12:45 PM – Internet.


1:45 PM – Startled inhale. Realization that it’s been an hour and I have ten separate tabs open to xoJane.


2:15 PM – THE MAIL. BLESS THE MAIL. Now I can stand up for twenty minutes and feebly attempt to right my forward-leaning potato posture.


2:40 PM – Coffee or Diet Coke?


2:50 PM – Coffee.


3:15 PM – Diet Coke.


4:15 PM – Startled inhale. Realization that it’s been an hour and my open tabs for Cracked extend to infinity.


4:50 PM – I can leave soon!


5:05 PM – Finish reading a Salon article. Try to shake the zombie glassiness from my eyes. Put in earbuds.


Somehow I am EXHAUSTED.

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